The Wall of Glass

I’ve lived life for 2 decades now. There have been numerous ups and downs through out the journey. The way I react to the same situation now and when I was a carefree little kid seem like two different worlds completely. As a teen ager, I wished I had the right to make mistakes and learn from them on my own. I had defined this right as a luxury in my blog. Young and carefree that those years were, with of course, my new sense of freedom; I’d thought I do not owe an exlanation for any of my actions to anyone. It is my life after all! This luxury of freedom however has its way of teaching us so much, we’d be reluctant to learn otherwise. Of course it is our life and its our right to live it the way we want and it is a feature of humans to make mistakes. But when we live in a society, no matter what we do or how independent we think we are, we do realise over a period of time that everything we do does affect the people around us; in good ways and bad. What I think I’ve left behind might not be as far as I think I’ve left it. I have hurt others and have gotten hurt and can say with certainity that neither of the two are easy.
Today, when a I’m standing at crossroads, I cannot help but wonder; what is a better option after all? To have said or not to have said? I do not think I owe an explanation to anybody but yes, the people who matter, do deserve to know the truth about me. Even if it means I end up hurt and the consequences aren’t favorable to me. Living with the acknowledgement of the fact that we are not perfect and have made mistakes in the past and letting those who matter know about it is a better option than acting like a saint and living with the constant fear of being exposed, of guilt of hiding the truth and worst, the guilt of having made the mistake ages ago. I believe (with a fair degree of personal experience) that we are free of bad karma only when we accept it and learn not to repeat it with any one ever again. ( I’ve read it somewhere too) It takes courage to speak the truth. But the consequences, though will not be cakewalk in the starting, can turn out to make me a stronger person who can look at others in the eye and can contribute to my sense of integrity. I cannot go back to change what has happened. I would not want to keep living in my past. But what I can do right now is learn from what has happened and not be ashamed. I do not intend to play God or pretend to be God. I’ve made my share of mistakes and I will speak them out if I have to. I have dreams for my future and I have a beautiful present to live in; but before all of this, I need to be secure about who I am and what I do and have done. How can I demand for acceptance when I haven’t accepted myself completely? It is not easy to speak the truth. It is not easy to risk the loss of something that is precious to us by speaking the truth. But what is toughest is to look inside ourselves when we know we are not truthful. I skip a beat every time I think about speaking out but what I do know is that I will speak it out one day. And just this one thought gives me so much solace. For I know, even if it means loss to me, I will earn something way more precious- my pride and self-respect and the ability to look into the eye of people and the loss of fear. All this is worth being earned; even if it means uneasiness in the beginning. I pray for strength from the universe; so that I can finally lift the glass wall that is there between me and the people who mean so much to me; and the glass wall that prevents me from looking within myself with dignity; now and forever.
I hope this article does help some one in lifting that glass wall that a single lie can build. Let us quit pretending to act like God and acknowledge the adversity a lie can cause to our inner self. We do make mistakes but we should know to leave them behind; with dignity.

New Girl in the City

We often make plans about what needs to be done in life and how we want our life to turn out to be eventually. For controll freaks like me, it can be quite a herculian task to deal with; I mean the consequences of the plan, more than the process of planning. It is all a part of learning though. They say that lifestyle is chosen by the kind of environment we have, the climate, the surroundings, the people and of course our tastes. I had made a list of things I should have in the next city that I would live in and was really excited about it. Of course this new city is beautiful and it did keep the excitement in me alive for a very long time; until I fell sick, along with nearly half of my class; all thanks to the weather of my new city. But then again, I reminded myself of the splendid time I’d had before I fell sick and I fell in love with Delhi all over again. A family friend of mine asked me how I’m liking the place, to which I replied, “I really love it”. And she smiled and asked me that I thought you would be really proud of the place you come from. I told her I am but I like the newness and the sense of independence Delhi has for me to offer. She accepted the answer. Before I came here, I had plans of what my new room would look like, how thick my blanket will be and so many other minor details. Things of course don’t work out as planned to this extent. I’ve learnt to be a better controller of situations by letting things take their own course and making the best of what I have. I somehow cannot compromise with the sense of being in controll. It is a virtue or vice, I do not know. About this sense of independence, I’ve heard that it all began when Rennaisance brought about the revolutionary idea of the ‘freedom of thought’. Contemporary philosophers do argue however, that the psychological implications it has are pretty assorted. My most recent anxiety attack ‘in my new city Dilli’ (I like calling it so, coz it sort of made place in my heart so soon) was because of similar reasons. As much as I admire my sense of independence and freedom, I can’t help but wonder if I am having to compromise with the bonding and kinship that being dependent brings. I’m getting way too philosophical over a minor illness that I had; but then, I certainly will not supress the thoughts it brings into my mind. I certainly do miss being pampered the way I am at home, but can’t the two come together? Confirmity has never been my cup of tea but I am extremely empathetic. I guess striking a balance between the two; confirmity and liberty is something I need to work on to make life better for me. It wont be easy I know. But if that’s what it takes to make me happy, I guess it’s totally worth the efforts. :)

Dear Neetu,

For wifey,
Its your Bday today :D And how badly I wish we were together! Bdays are an awesome way of expressing that we care; and for the sort of person that you are, I’d want you to know how much I care for you and love you. And how lovable you actually are; don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise; ok.
It’s a miracle how, after two and a half years of being together, we realized how very similar we are. And it’s funny too. The times that we’ve spent together, I will always cherish; even those times where we fought. I smile every time I think of the last sem. It is amazing how you were always there and you’re one person I can discuss anything in the whole wide world with; be it hot guys, crushes, worthless ex’s, clothes and accessories, complaints about each other, mmmmmm (hehe ;)!! ), and whatever.
For all the fun plans that are yet to happen and till the next time we meet, hugs and kisses <3
With looooots of luv

Dear George,

To an awsum taurean friend,

A very Happy Birthday to you :) I’m sure you’ve got nice Bday bumps last night.

When I look back to the memories of Manipal your picture clearly comes to mind; especially for listening to my philosophy lectures every day at dinner with so much interest (and for telling me that I inspire :D )and for being such an awesome confidant. You’re a gem of a person and I’m really glad to have known someone like you.

Thanx for being there and for putting up with my sometimes annoying ways :) Just wishing you on your wall didn’t seem enough and I wish I were in Manipal today :) Have fun!!! Hopefully with the chocolate sundae you eat in your dreams!

Regards,
Kavya

Adieu Manipal :)

It took me some time to grasp the fact that my Manipal life is over. However I understood pretty soon that it is time to move on. There’s this Manipal song which has one line in the lyrics which goes like this: “Oh if I had a choice, maybe I’d always wanna be there…” Of course I miss Manipal and everything about it; but perhaps due to my inquisitive nature, I’m more eager and excited about what’s waiting out there in the world for me. And if I were really given a choice to start all over again in Manipal, it wouldn’t be less exciting at all.  But if I were to re-live the last three years I spent in that splendid town, there is one thought pattern of mine I would have changed completely.
I now look back at the thought of me thinking of myself as inferior or lower than anyone else occasionally. It was all so futile. Why did I ever do that? I should not have put up with people who were reckless with my feelings and emotions. In those occasional but recurrent days of me thinking why life is the way it is and why I am sad, all I had to do was go ahead and do those few things that gave me pleasure. Well, I honestly don’t mean that I should have denied any of my feelings; which have been happy and joyous most often. But if there’s one thing I have learnt during my stay at Manipal and also one thing I regret is: looking at all that is missing than what I do possess. There is a period of mourning but if we extend it to more than what it should be, we’re the ones who are at loss.
I thank my gracious creator for having given me such beautiful memories to look back to and for the 3 amazing years. 

The Pursuit

It is so much easier to observe and form opinions of things that are happening in front of us and we aren’t involved in it. I was thinking after talking to a friend of mine: What exactly is Happiness after all? She’s waiting for a phase to pass so that the next phase begins. Does she think that the next phase is moonwalk? It actually made me wonder about so many aspects of my life and life in general. Like there are two sides of a coin, there are processes in life which take place one after the other. We are so busy looking for eternal bliss and all our life we wait for the next big thing. But how many of us actually pause to ponder: what is our mission in life? What is that one thing that will be the manifestation of happiness to us? Or do we just prefer to keep envying the greener side of the fence and desiring the next big thing like so many out there do?
I have found myself cribbing too often, thinking when this cycle of helplessness will finish. And of course, immediately after a little while, something happens that makes me want to giggle. I guess it’s just a way of looking at it. Disappointments keep happening now and then. But the best part of them is that they pass. When life gives you lemons, you got to make lemonade.

For Grandmom :)

Dear Amma,
When you talk, the way you put all your love into your words and still make the sentence sound normal and the astounding capacity you have for love, makes me want to worship you. For I know now how much pain is associated with love and your love amma, seems to keep coming on and on seamlessly. And it’s surprising how you don’t seem to expect anything back. I am sure to have earned a lot of good karma to have someone like you in my life; literally. It seems like you pledged your life for all of us and the fact that we are on the receiving end of your love is enough to keep you content, even if it means having zilch expectations of reciprocation from us. In fact it embarrasses you if we want to do something to express our love, which is an overflowing pot too. Perhaps our ways of expressing are too childish for you. I am grateful to you amma, for nurturing us with all the love you have given us without a trace of any expectation of reciprocation from us and for teaching us how to love so openly and so heartily with no fear of the pain that love can bring. And also for passing that capacity to love through the genes I have inherited from you.  I cannot figure out any way of expressing the immense love we all have for you. Perhaps the realisation is in itself a manifestation of my love for you, because usually when love is so much in excess, it goes unnoticed. I have no reason to feel unloved at all because all I have to do is think of you and the love you have boundlessly given and taught all of us and I will never feel unloved. They say love never dies. I think I’m beginning to know now why. Someone who will have received so much love from you will have become a reservoir of love and will know how to pass it on all the time. That’s why, no matter how far I am from you, I know your love will stay with me. 