*?!@#$%^&

I remember having written in my blog that sometimes we need to pretend to be stronger than we are, if we need to protect ourselves from those who’d want to use weakness to their advantage. And what had happened to me yesterday? I was crying. And that’s not it. I liked it. It felt like my tears were washing off my sins. I could have chosen to stop crying with just one thought. It would have been easy. “Everything happens for a reason”. I would have felt very strong. But I chose to let me shed those tears. It felt weird. It felt less human. I told myself when to cry and when not to. Have I changed so much? Is the pretence turning into a reality? I don’t like it if it is real. I want to be human; who cries at a heart break and who feels like others in response to situations.
Of course everything we feel is unique in its own way. When I was done crying, I closed my eyes and imagined that I rest my head on a shoulder which was my own. I was both of them in my imagination; the person who seeked solace and the person who offered it. I felt the relief of finding a shoulder and also offering one to the person in need. And I felt a re-connection with my creator after all this period of fighting with him and being angry with him. I also decide that I can call my creator The Mother. This is so that I can feel the warmth in her when I pray. It will take some getting used to though.